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I don’t like the fact that no one in this scenario is actually describing what these things look like considering it’s supposed to be a first time session. People can say the words and definitions all you want but for a lot of people you need to create a visual for them to understand what that kind of behavior would look like inside the dynamic. That really seems like a bad counselor to me simply because of the lack of remembrance for the first timer perspective and knowledge base.

If you can't tell someone your deepest insecurities, your not actually partners, married or not

Yeah this is really true. My friend has 4 kids. When she struggles peoople go "you wanted them, deal with it." So does that also mean if you CHOOSE to go to medical school you can't ever vent or need help?

I think they are both right and wrong. The husband probably does know how to do chores and what chores need to get done, but he doesn't know what chores should he do. Like does he do ALL the chores? That's not fair either. So now he does none of them. What I would do in this situation is have a conversation about making a plan for the chores. Like who does what ect ect.

Thank u needed to hear this. Was feeling bad for walking away.

"without you getting defensive or feeling attacked" is a terrible thing to say to someone who easily gets defensive.

I love how the womans problems are her basically being a sociopath and the guys problem is "i dont constantly treat her like a toddler and look for the hidden meanings and things i could do better and im insensitive sometimes"

My sister used to worry about this, because she is... a lot. Then one day she came back from college and informed me that she'd asked her psych prof if she was a narcissist, and he told her the same thing you just said. Her takeaway was "Apparently I'm not pathological, I'm just exhausting to be around." She's working on it, though!

When he is masculine enough.. not physically but emotionally and mentally.

Thats a terrible idea.

❤

My boyfriend works everyday... i also have school work to do but i dont even get to it. I am so busy with the house and or dog who is sick, just got out of the hospital and needs a LOT of care at least for another month or.longer, hopefully she feels better soon 😢 i consistantly worry aboit her and have severe lack of sleep thoigh my boyfriend has no troible sleeping when my dog is pacing round the hoise out of breath at 4 am... my heart is racing at those moments. When he comes home i respect that he worked and is tired, ask him to sit down and offer a beer. He will either subtly or just straight up tell me hes overworked and i didnt do anything all day... He doesnt see my cleaning and chores i do plus the care of my dog. Im so tired but he always downplays housechoires. 😢 Except when he does them... then he is so.amazing!!! Cringe! When i tell him i was up all night he assumes i was on my phone a night. So rude it hurts a lot. When he leaves for work he just expects me to take care of the dog again at 9... i didnt sleep until 5... where is my rest or AT LEAST validation... 😢

A couple of weeks, lol. The straights are so not ok 😢

I think it is fair to have a comprimise in decompression. You get yours, I get mine, we tag team after and then both get together/more decompression time if needed. I genuinely feel like the main issue is lack of communication and understanding. A job is tiring, staying at home with kids is tiring. If we make it a pity olympics everyone loses because both parties feel invalidated.

I don’t think it’s a mental burden or hard to plan around if you just say what chores you want me to take over for you. Communicating what me and my husband want each other to do is how we’ve kept a healthy relationship for the past 5 years

Lived for 12 years in such a relationship. Realized, that he is a narcissist. And realized, that my mother is one, too. I left after a fight and my mom choosed him, so I lost both, thank God! Feels hard though but now I'm free of both of them! I always tried to help and fix him, realizing now that he doesn't wants to be helped and fixed. True, what you said Jimmy, I was living on hope that some day it will be good. I don't want this marriage anymore. Living with friends and the husband is acting like him. I don't want this anymore in my life. I'm in counseling and trying to get healed, and I will be in Jesus' name. God's blessings for you all 🙌🏻

Had this argument before, went and proceeded to grab a paper and pen just to visualize. First broke down hours worked and income made to create a piece percentage that each attributed, so that we could get a vague idea of how much contribution should be broken down by chores. From there we went ahead and made a point system on how much time each chore took per week. We then proceeded to divy up chores to match the percentages based on who was more fickle about how it was done, physically fit to handle it, or had the better schedule to do each chore. After that it generally was pretty smooth sailing with us both having defined roles in the relationship and feeling like we equally contributed. Better yet when the other was having a difficult week we'd pick up a couple chores and it was a way of just showing how you understood and cared about what they were going through and felt like a gift within itself. It also allowed us to realize our strengths and weaknesses which brought a both humbling and upbringing respectively.

I don't think she is fully in the right here. In this moment her request comes very ad-hoc and her frustration too. He seems to be very busy as well, with something he might not be able to just leave, because he is in the process of things. If she had announced her intentions just half an hour, or even just a couple of minutes earlier, he might have stopped at a moment that is convenient to pause. Instead she expects him to drop things not even ASAP, but Now and then gets frustrated when it doesn't happen right away. Not all people are capable in switching like that. She is demanding without communication. When you devide chores, you need to communicate about that or have a fixed division. On a busy schedule for both, you need to both communicate in advance to fit each others planning. Communication helps immensely in getting a feel for and anticipating each others needs as well. Men, like women, are not mind readers, otherwise she would have understood his position.

Full

I hate the fact that many people go into kids without real experience, so they have no idea what they actually agree to. I think it would be nice to make some kind of trial or training where they can spend some time helping real parents and realise how it's gonna be

Thank you so much for sharing the wisdom you have gleaned from your research into human relationships. So many things people say are just not true. Every human can learn so much more to be the best version of themselves. Every interaction counts. I’ve always taken issue with people who blame the person who is on the receiving end of abuse, claiming that it is their responsibility to teach the bully/abuser how they would like to be treated. As you say we are each responsible for our own behaviour. Much ❤❤❤

I can't believe I actually disagree with something, Jimmy. But narcissists communicate very well. They gaslight, manipulate, hit, run, invalidate, minimize, catastrophize... I think it is more accurate to say we can't communicate with them because that's true. They lack good communication skills for their egos are so delicate. Everything is all about them. And like you said they aren't interested in hearing us. But have you ever tried to shut one up? You can't. They'll scream at you until they are screamed out and fulfilled over having shrunk you down to size in their mind. So, you did have it right the first way, my guy.

Not everything needs validation.

Eye contact is everything, so important if your partner does it to show respect, you should strive too as well. Great content

TW: literally just a trauma dump. Being a parent is hard and you’re allowed to complain but not to your kids. I didn’t need to be constantly told how much better my mom’s life would’ve been without me and my siblings. I feel every right telling her struggle is what she signed up for when she decided to keep all of us. Specifically because she chose to be a shit parent. I don’t feel guilty for being cold and not empathetic towards her because I’m her child, not her therapist or her friend. And I wouldn’t have the ability to be so callous in the first place if it wasn’t for her abuse. Thanks for changing my brain wiring for the worst mom, now suck it the fuck up 👍🏽 (I would never say this to anyone but my own mother and other people who abuse their children. Being a parent is hard, but being a good parent is even harder. I send hugs and love to all the parents out there who not only love, but actually respect their children)

That’s how all of my ex-boyfriend’s acted. Now listen, I have a theory why so many men are like this. I noticed a lot of moms tend to do all that stuff for their boys. My exes mum would cook, clean, she would even put away the plate he left on the table. And I watched that behaviour in a lot of my male friends. The mothers do almost everything. Now when I think back at how my mom treated me… she threw a basket of my dirty laundry into my bedroom when I was 10 and told me to do it myself from now on because I am old enough to take over at least a little responsibility myself. The same thing happened to all of my female friends, even though a bit later. Moved in with my first boyfriend who was 21 at that time and he complained that his clothes for work weren’t washed yet and I told him to wash them then. He looked me dead in the eyes and said “I never touched a washing machine in my life before” I was shocked. I asked all of my male friends if they ever washed their laundry themselves and they just said no. Few of them live alone now and their mothers complain to my mom, that they regularly call so the mom would come help them clean up their place. It’s crazy how differently parents raise their children. Girls are taught to take responsibility and take care of their own stuff at a young age but boys? No wonder they have no clue of what has to be done.

As much as I understand some people do lie and pretend not to understand to waste time and make everyone else "do the work," it hurts so much to be vulnerable and then be slapped as "weaponizing incompetence" when I'm trying to learn. I can accept that I'm incompetent all day long but nothing hurts as much as being called a malicious liar

Lol Dude is making money by saying what women want to hear. Anyway if suddenly woman doesnt want intimacy then check her phone. She propably get IT elsewere. It is true for both sexes.

Dude had an affair and gives relationship advice. Poor wife 😮

If you won’t tell me what you want done and in what order then you’ll just have to accept that I will do things according to my own priorities and timeline.

been there, done that, printed and sold the T shirt, then left him :) happy days :)

“Oh, so everything is my fault.” you know what, YES ! YES IT IS AND I’M SICK OF YOU !! GET THE HELL OUT !!!! 🤣😭

The loop is perfect.

💯

Absolutely 💯

I really needed to hear this. I recently cheated on my girlfriend who I truly feel I still love. While I didn’t physically interact with the person, there was online flirting with caused major distust in the relationship. Watching this alllowed me to take a step back and reflect on why I even feel the need to cheat. Identifying the trauma that caused me to seek outside influences made me understand myself better and hopefully I can be a better man for her

I really needed to hear this so thank you!

It's so hard bc it's my sister who always attacks me verbally n won't stop. She won't accept my boundaries, constantly insults me n never acknowledges that she hurts me. Thank goodness that i realize now that growing up with her as my older sister has affected other relationships.

The longest time I've been "taking it off the table" was 5 years and even after that my wife said she felt "pressured" all the time even though I didn't ask for or even mention sex during all those years.

The only smart thing is to get away from them. Run! 🏃🏽‍♀️💨 Why engage at all?

Idk I mean... I had a lot less chemistry with my husband than other guys I dated, but once we got to a really strong place in our marriage where we could be more open, honest, and vulnerable with each other, and I could stop feeling shy/scared/embarrassed about all my feelings... Every aspect of the relationship is pretty amazing. I wouldn't have described the relationship as "boring" ever. We always have shared many hobbies we really enjoy together and i have a lot of space to pursue my own interests. But some parts were very hard and not up to a standard I would have preferred. And literally just finding that safe space to be completely vulnerable has resolved that issue. And getting to that safe space just took time. Years. I anticipate it will all only get better.

I was so used to mutually picking fights, having jealousy fits and possessiveness with my previous partners that when I started dating my boyfriend I thought he didn't care about me at all because he wouldn't have shouting matches with me over having opposite gender friends, and wouldn't reciprocate when I would try to start fights (instead he would try to talk it out with me which overtime I became more and more receptive to) and I can't lie not having a single aggressive argument caused me to find the relationship boring for awhile because I was so used to drama, now that I'm almost 20 I've realised i've hit the jackpot with the kindest, most down to earth guy ever, we dont need drama to keep the relationship exciting because we have exciting activities to do together instead of bicker

That why i would not get "such" a partner, the choices we make

I think that's my mom's favorite line "Well, try raising 3 kids!" like just invalidating everything about me raising my one child. Yes, I understand having more than one child at once can be far more taxing and difficult, but that does not negate how difficult it is having even one, especially one that can be quite demanding some days.

All the detractors in these comments just snitching on themselves as lazy slobs.

Listening and validating what people say about their feelings os so important! Yesterday we had a delivery guy who was so annoyed about the tires he had to deliver moving around his truck and messing all his other orders up. As soon as I said "That must be so frustrating!" he actually smiled in relief that someone understood him.

❤Absolute truth. By the time we find this out, we are so exhausted and ready to move on .....I still believe there are good stable loving grounded men out there. It's unfortunate that I first had to meet a selfish controlling person.My mind and heart belongs to God and his goodness and therefore Mister narcissistic control me. It drives him insane..God is greater than Goliath..soon I will be free from bondage❤

Try it you might like it

So weird seeing stuff like that. In my mind the relationship starts at the very latest the second date. More likely the first date. Once you go on a date you should be exclusive. If you dont like them, go date somebody else and let them be. Otherwise, be exclusive from the start.

Great point!